So, this post will be a bit more personal than my usual material. If you are triggered by conversations about suicide, this is definitely not for you. I have decided to write this piece in hopes that it reaches someone else who is having a hard time, letting them know that they are not alone. While I have a rotten sense of humor and make light of my suicidal thoughts at times, this is a serious subject that probably affects someone you know.
I never thought I’d say this: If you or someone you know needs support now, call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Insurance code F30.8 G
Depression is a beast. It’s not just feeling sad or having a bad day; it’s an all-consuming darkness that makes it hard to see a way forward. Friends have come and gone. Most are worried when I share how I feel, but what they all have in common is that they all live in complete denial about the severity of my condition. In an attempt to tolerate and even accept this hard truth, I have convinced myself that depression is incomprehensible to people who haven’t experienced it themselves. I’d also never wish this on my worst enemy.
“It’s always darkest right before it goes pitch black.”
I am not afraid of death. Never have been. It’s part of life, just like paying our bills and wiping our asses. The sooner you become accustomed to that, the better. Life is way more awesome when you are not constantly worried about its inevitable end.
“When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”
Tecumseh
Admittedly, things become problematic when you go from fearlessness to actively seeking – well – death.
Kernel Panic Ahead
Fucked up thing is: this can happen really, really slowly. Even though I’ve become somewhat accustomed to living with CPTSD and a barrage of other miscellaneous diagnoses, it crept up on me this time. Suddenly, taking that one extra step at the train station’s platform didn’t seem that bad anymore. Hell, it started sounding downright enticing at times. Maybe not the “ending up a mangled mess upfront of all these people watching in horror” aspect, but you catch my drift.
I didn’t want this. I didn’t choose to feel this way. Who would have known that doctors so occupied correcting the last doctor’s diagnosis (read: insurance) codes could have missed this?
Oh brother, where art thou…
No, not my actual brother. That guy makes my issues seem like a walk in the park. I don’t judge him for his problems – just for being a horrible human being. Turning to friends and family didn’t help. It’s not their fault. From the classic “get over it” to “just reduce the stress in your life”, I’ve heard it all. My personal favorite? “Depression is just in your head. Everyone consciously decides in the morning whether they want to be happy.” Thanks Josh, that was fucking enlightening!
These reactions, however painful, pale in comparison to ignorance. There may be some problems you can ignore until they go away. Depression is not one of them. In due time, depression gets worse if left untreated. Truth be told, the only human who still asks me if I am happy is my 7-year-old.
“Did you take your meds today?”
I’ve tried everything from therapy to medication and bullshit breathing exercises (I am actually coming around on this one). Coping methods come in many shapes and forms. One thing is certain: idly sitting by and doing nothing doesn’t make the demons disappear. Not these. Everyone is different, and finding what works for you is critical. There is no cookie-cutter approach to this.
Where am I going from here?
To wrap things up, I have made the decision to seek some more immediate help, not for myself, but for my kids. People are so quick to tell you that you need to do things for yourself. If you find yourself in a spot where logic may be temporarily compromised, don’t entertain that horseshit for a minute. Focus on what gets you to tomorrow; if it is someone or something else – so be it.
As for me, some substantial, life-changing events are coming up soon. Things will have to fundamentally change – but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there and remind myself that the right thing to do is seldom the easy route. If you decide to stick around, you may get to watch the show.
Closing Thoughts
“What is worse than feeling alone? Being in a room filled with loved ones and still feeling alone.” Remember, you are not alone in this struggle. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are people and resources out there to support you.
Legal Note: If you think I am a doctor or would take health advice from me or some random TikTok entity, please get off the internet and contact your local brain surgeon! You, my friend, are part of the problem…
